To squat or not to squat, that is definitely NOT the question when nature makes a calling, coz when ya gotta go, ya gotta go! When caught in this situation and the only option you have is the squatting toilet or the sidewalk, you better know how to properly use this ancient Eastern crapper. In this article, I’ll provide some advice on how to prepare for and use this porcelain hole in the ground. So before hopping on the next flight to Thailand, make sure you read this first!

Though Bangkok is a modern city with huge high-rises, posh shopping malls, and luxurious accommodations, there is an ancient tradition that many amongst the populace refuses to abandon, you got it!...squatting while answering nature’s call. Some have never used a Western sitting toilet, don’t know how to use one, or simply refuses to use it because they feel it’s not as comfortable as the squatting method. Most facilities here such as malls, hotels, and restaurants in the downtown or tourist areas have the Western toilets. However, most if not all the gas stations have the squatting toilets, and if you’re on a tour bus and it makes a pit stop at a gas station, that’s pretty much your only choice. Also if you wander too far away from Khaosan Road or any other tourist areas (especially outside of Bangkok), you might find yourself in Squat-land. Trust me, you’d want to know the proper way to use one of these, especially after having some ass-burning hot “Tomyum goong” and “Somtum” the night before.
 
What does it look like?
After opening the bathroom door and meeting one of these babies face to face for the first time, few thought would probably cross your mind. “What the hell, where’s the toilet?” “I’m hoping that’s just regular water all over the floor.” “Where the hell am I going to sit?” Feelings of anger and frustration would usually accompany your bewilderment as well, but there is an immediate task at hand that would put all these emotions aside.  Many have only heard stories of their existence but only those who have venture to the East have ever met one in person. In this day and age, few could only imagine they are still in use to this day. It looks like your typical toilet except it’s leveled with the floor with some ridges on the side. The ridges are for you to mount your feet on so hopefully you wouldn’t slip, but it’s pretty much useless and a cruel joke. For the most part there is no water tank attached to it so the “flushing” process will have to be done manually. There are some variations to this marvelous invention but this is the most basic and common you are going to run into.

The Preparation
They say there’s no such thing as too much preparation, and this certainly is the case here. To get ready for the squatter, you have to make sure you’re in decent shape and have good lower body strength. The reason for this is because these squatting bathrooms are always wet, making the porcelain slipperier than butter. God forbid if your legs start to quiver while you’re in your squatting position! Because any slight movement can send you down the unthinkable or you can end up doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split with your ass down the crapper. I don’t know which is worst, but I don’t think you’d want to be in that position. So you see why it’s important to have strong legs, and the most effective workout to build up your leg strength is doing squat exercises. You can use free weights or one of those squat machines. I recommend 3 times per week for about one month. You should also practice by sitting in a squatting position for about 15 to 20 minutes. If your legs don’t quiver and you can get up without any problem, then congratulations!....You are physically ready my friend!

Note: The squatting toilet is absolutely not made for older folks or people with arthritis, so I’m not sure how to advise on this. Make sure you bring your medicines and seek a physician’s advice I suppose.

The Tools
Being physically prepared is not nearly enough, as you’ll also need to have the right tools. I’m not talking about some fancy contraption or anything, but toilet papers and minty fresh inhalers. You’ll need the toilet papers because it’s non-existent in these bathrooms, and you’ll thank me for having the inhaler with you when you’re about 10 feet away from the toilet. Let me tell you, the smell in there is just wretched to say the least, and if you don’t slip and fall in the toilet first you can still end up passing out from the ungodly odor. So you must absolutely make sure that you have these inhalers. I recommend the “Poy-Sien” brand and you should get two of them, so you can stick one up each nostril or in case one gets lost. They’re literally a life saver!

Note: You can find both the toilet papers and “Poy-Sien” inhaler at any 7 Eleven or convenient stores throughout Bangkok. The Thai word for inhaler is “Yar Dome”.

The Usage
To properly use the squatting toilet, you have to remember the 3 Rs, which are Remove, Relax, and Release!
 
1. Remove: You must think I’m crazy for telling you that you need to first remove your pants before taking a dump. However, when it comes to the squatting crapper, there is a trick to it. It’s not the same as pulling your pants down and “poop you go” like when using the sitting toilet. Remember that you’re in a squatting position and pulling your pants down too low or too high can have many devastating consequences. Some of which are getting tangled with your pants and falling down, your pants can end up being soaked in the toilet water (too low), or worst you can end up pooping in your own pants. This can happen if you have what’s called an “explosion”, your aim can be right-on but there’s bound to be some shrapnels (with your pants being the innocent victim). It especially doesn’t help if you’re wearing one of those baggy pants. So what’s the thing do here? The answer is you have to go "Commando style" and get butt naked. You need to remove your pants, underwear, and any accessories you have down there. Just hang it by the door and before hopping on to assume your position, take a couple plies of toilet paper and soak up some of the moister/water in the area where you’ll make your footing, it’ll help to prevent you from slipping.

2. Relax: After making a successful mount, the next thing to do is just relax! There’s really no trick to this. Just relax your muscles, try not to make any sudden movements and take deep breaths while inhaling your peppermint inhaler. Once you’re all calm and feeling free, the next part will flow naturally (pun intended).

3. Release: Should I even explain this? LOL Anyway, this is where you do your thing and empty your load. To avoid unnecessary movements, try not to squeeze too hard if you can help it. (If you have constipations, I think you can and should wait to go at the hotel).
 
The Cleanup
By cleanup I mean the toilet, since I’m assuming you already know how to wipe your own ass. As there’s no button to push or lever to pull on to flush as mentioned, you’ll have to wash it down manually. There’s a small water container next to the toilet with some sort of bowl in it. Just scoop up some water and make sure that the bowl is about 2.5 feet from the toilet before pouring. If you go any higher, you can end up with a very messy splash. After pouring the first scoop, all you gotta do is pray that gravity does it thing and wash everything down to crap-land. If the first scoop was a success, be liberal with the water and get the toilet bowl nice and clean for the next person. Just pour on the water like it’s Songkran (Thai New Year, AKA Water Festival) and make sure the bowl is as wet as when you arrived, it’s only customary to do so! After you’re all done, put on your pants and say “Smell you later!” coz I’m sure you’ll bump into Mr. Squatter again.
Alright, now that you know why NBA’s superstar Yao Ming has such big calves, it’s time for you to hit the gym and get ready! Good luck and happy crapping!...

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